Developer: Coffee Stain Studios
Publisher: Coffee Stain Studios
Platform: PC
Goat Simulator – Review
Most games nowadays are aiming for better and better gameplay, a more intriguing storyline and just simply steps towards newer and better games. Sometimes, we take things too seriously and at that time games like this come along. Goat Simulator is a satire version of the current wave of ‘simulator’ games and in all honesty, it does a great job at that.
Story
Once upon a time the earth was dominated by majestic beings that are now known as the goats. In this world peace reigned supreme, until a new race spawned upon the earth the goats called home. This peculiar race would be later called the human species. These fancy beings, that only required two paws to walk on, quickly enslaved the goats by using force and the magical ability to build structures which would later be known as fences.
Years and years went by and the goats’ population slimmed down, each generation becoming dumber and as time passed they started forgetting their roots. The current population was only seen as a pet or as food for the humans who once conquered them.
(You guys realize I’m making this up as I write, right?)
This process was repeated over and over again, until one goat was born. The one that would free his brethren, the one that would be able to wield ExcaliBAAAAHr, the legendary two horned weapon. The legends had foretold that someday a goat would be born, with the legendary two horns of salvation and finally the time is upon us.
Whilst the first portion of his life, our hero-goat-to-be lived out his life as a pet, in a hillbilly village in the middle of nowhere. One night whilst sleeping in his tiny playground, he received a vision that pointed out, he was the messiah of the goats. This was the event that set everything in motion, the goats would be freed once again by conquering one village at a time.
Graphics
Never before has one captured the majestic beauty of a goat. You are offered an experience where your legendary goat has four paws, a tail, horns and yes even a tongue for you to lick things. Even the tongue is realistic, being able to stretch for over a mile or two. Encounter a world with lots of wall you are able to walk through, get stuck in and even explosions worthy of any of the Michael Bay movies.
You’ll not only be able to enjoy these magical portals that will get you stuck. You will encounter the human race, just like in real life, each of us only having one facial expression and stretchable limbs, as the contortionists we are.
Sound
Get lost ‘Lord of the Rings’, here’s a new soundtrack of epic proportions. Enjoy the mellow music as our goatish hero strolls down the village he will soon claim for his own. Glorious battle music will be played when our heroic beast destroys more than twenty items of the human conquerors, again to be followed by mellowed out music when our hero needs to recharge his legendary two horns.
Humans will scream in fear as our wielder of justice roams the streets of hillbilly-ville and purges the streets of the evil oppressors. As most only know how to call for their mommy, it is clear they are simply baffled by the glorious ExcaliBAAAAHr.
Gameplay
Simplicity is to be found, which is only normal when a goat-god walks among men. He is able to destroy nearly everything in sight by using his ramming ability. Furniture, cars and other valuables will be taken from the humans, as all the glorious possessions of the goats had once been taken from them. It is your goal to enslave your oppressors and thus possessions are to be destroyed.
When robbing the humans of their worldly possessions you’ll earn points, which are granted to you by the mighty oracle of the goat race. These points will only serve your personal honor and will not earn you any extras. Then again, the impending doom of the human race will serve as enough reward on its own.
The need for hands to clasp things, was never present in our legendary goat as he already has his extraordinary tongue at his side. He is able to lick things and use them as an addition to his already epic weaponry. Length of his tongue is of no issue, seeing in certain situations it will stretch for miles or even go through walls, not loosening his grip.
Extra items can be found to aid you on your quest for glory. The jetpack of prophecies is one to be used for the greater good. Whilst controlling it without hands may be a slight problem that might occur, you’re sure to land well given your muscular build.
You are of course not without flaws, seeing moving cars will still toss you aside as well as explosions might be a bother at times. However, sometimes these nasty explosions might aid you in reaching new locations you have not been before. Sadly, these are often not reachable by the invisible force field barring the way.
Exploring the environments also has its merits. You will encounter strange contraptions that toss you around, weird rewards for finding special places and strange idols portraying you. These idols must come from the future, from when the goat race once again reigns supreme.
Oh, you can climb ladders too.
Conclusion
Conquering the world is not an easy task and freeing your brethren will be a task that will require a lot of bashing and licking. A task only you will be able to manage, with the legendary ExcaliBAAAAHr at your side. Undergoing the hardships of the hillbilly-life as a pet has toughened you up and it will give you the strength to undergo this journey.
Note: As the game, this review was a fairly satiric impression. Expect a game that will be fun for short amounts of time in between other titles you are currently playing. Giving the game an actual score is fairly hard, seeing it does what it is supposed to do, but some people might expect a tad too much.
Goat Simulator - Review,
Related Items
3 Comments
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
[…] 3rd Strike – 10/10 […]
[…] Goat Simulator. Back then, 3rd-strike awarded the game with a whopping 10.9 out of 10! Admittedly, that review didn’t really have the purpose of giving the game a true score, but it was all good banter. Now, […]
[…] the years we have seen many simulator games being released, ranging from the ludicrous Goat Simulator to the realistic Lawn Mowing Simulator. These ‘sim’ games have been quite popular for […]